Already I notice that I have written significantly more during the early stages of my pregnancy with La Nena than I am doing now – and that even though I made the specific resolution to be as attentive and reflected the second time around.

Part of the reason is that – indeed – the every-day signs and symptoms are not so exciting anymore that I feel like devoting entire blog entries to them. It is even so, that I do not pay attention to every pinch and “weirdness” going on in my body the way I did the first time around, when everything was new. I don’t even have the time! There is La Nena to entertain... a full time job on most days, and a lot more trying than my “real” full time job used to be while I was pregnant the first time.

Sure, this pregnancy is very different to the first one already – but how exciting would it be to read about just how nauseous I am every day? And how my back is hurting already – even though I don’t even have a big tummy yet?

I feel so badly on a daily basis that I annoy myself with it already. I am nauseous, I am exhausted, I have horrible back aches that really shouldn’t be there. Not yet, anyway. Food grosses me out for the most part, except for the evening, which is when I can usually eat normally – only to feel nauseous again immediately afterwards. And I haven’t even mentioned the return of my little painful companion which starts with an h and ends with a d.

In the mornings I can’t really get out of bed for all the nausea. If possible, Geo lets me sleep in every day, also so that I don’t have to deal with making breakfast for La Nena, or feed the cats.

Besides the physical... I am still laboring hard on the loss of my Oma... more than it probably shows. I am sad to the core of my being. We have financial issues and a lot of stress caused by Geo’s long-term lack of a job. My physical ill-being is making me irritable and grumpy on a daily basis, and it isn’t really something I can do much of anything about. I have no control over this – hormones? I have very little patience for La Nena, which in turn makes me feel horribly guilty.

And today I have received a whack over the head by my boss for something that was not even my fault. And I have caught a cold.

The nights are horrible, I can’t breathe on a nightly basis because of my pregnancy-induced swollen mucous membranes – and now I can’t breathe because of the cold. I know I shouldn’t use nose drops, but I do it anyway, because I suffer from panic attacks in the night if my nose gets clogged. Add some major guilt about that.

I feel incredibly alone with all of this. And I guess that’s the worst of all feelings right now. I feel like I can’t really show the way I am feeling, because if I do, I get “punished” for it, and get told to change, or else. I am being told that I am “acting out” and that I am “being a bitch”. I am being told that I perfectly “deserve” everything I am dealing with right now, and am receiving, simply because of the way I am. So now I feel guilty about “being the way I am”, without really knowing just how I am, and completely incapable of “adjusting” or “changing” – because I am a slave to my body, my emotions, my surroundings. A slave to this pregnancy.

All there is for me right now is to hope that things will get better once I enter the second trimester. They have with La Nena. Only with La Nena I was feeling perfectly fine all along, if just very tired. I feel that if at least the nausea subsided, I’d be able to handle everything else a lot better too.

And please don’t ask me just how guilty I feel for feeling this way. I feel like I should have sunshine come shooting out of my ass, simply because I am expecting (– and simply because I was the first time around), and I am feeling horrible, because I haven’t. I am afraid that somehow Wurmi might feel less welcomed than La Nena – even though this is simply not the case. It’d just be easier to keep a positive attitude if I felt physically better, and wouldn’t have so much emotional stress to deal with where there should be my safe nest and haven. :-(